Anyone that’s gone through divorce knows how impactful it can be on you and your children.
To be honest, there was a time where I fantasized being the daughter of a mob boss, just so that my ex would be ‘swimming with the fishes’ without me having anything to do with his disappearance. Dark, I know.
But I share that to say that I know how it feels to deeply dislike your spouse. In hindsight, however, divorce has been a profound teacher for me and could be for you too.
So, what did divorce teach me?
It’s not about the money, the house, or anything else. It’s about your kids. The words you say about your ex-partner really stick with them. It can create a storm of emotions, from blaming themselves to self-hatred.
In the heat of a split, it’s easy to get caught up in making negative comments and we do it without even realizing it. But trust me, what you say to your kids about their other parent creates a lasting inner voice about themselves.
You may think you’re protecting them from the “vindictive ways” of the other, but it only takes away their power to decide for themselves and creates insecurity about their family and their self identity. More often than not, they end up resenting you for filling their head with negativity from a young age. It directly shapes how they see themselves and their relationship with both parents.
If you truly want your kids to thrive during what could be the hardest part of their life, make an effort to be kind to the other parent, loving, fair, and intelligent in your words and actions. This alone will show strength and resilience that your children can learn through your example.
What does this have to do with money?
In my experience helping thousands of people as a financial advisor and mindset coach, I’ve seen that their relationship with money comes down to how they see money, themselves, and the world. How they see themselves and how they see the world is greatly affected by a divorce if there is high negativity in the process.
I remember practicing a meditative technique on my son – one I now use with my clients to discover past pain – and my son shared some hidden feelings about how he felt: “I feel my body hurting. I’m being pulled in different directions. You’re on one side and my dad on the other. It hurts so much”. It was heart-breaking to me and I knew that part of his pain was my fault.
What Not to do
- Do not scare your children into thinking they are poor because your financial status has changed
- Do not blame your financial stress on the other parent
- Do not compare them to the other parent
- Do not blame yourself, them, or the other parent
- Do not bad talk the other parent
- Do not freak out about money in front of your children
- Do not argue with the other parent in front of your children
At the end of the day, it was YOUR choice to marry your ex. It was you and your ex who couldn’t figure things out. Even if your ex is the biggest narcissist ever known to man, your children cannot be caught in the crossfire. They are innocent bystanders and should not have their self worth affected by your mistakes.
Replace these thoughts with affirming how loved they are, how strong they are being, and how this is a new way of life but still an exciting one. Obviously, if you say these things to them but they see you crying at the kitchen table, they’re not going to believe you, so it’s very important to take time for yourself. You need friends, family and a community to release your emotions into and to feel love too. This is a rough time for you and your kids, but let’s not forget there is an inner child in you that’s also hurting.
If you need help during this time of divorce, reach out. I’ve been there and have helped many clients through tough times.
*
*
*
* The opinions voiced in this material are for general information only and are not intended to provide specific advice or recommendations for any individual. To determine which strategies or investments may be suitable for you, consult the appropriate qualified professional prior to making a decision. Investing includes risks, including fluctuating prices and loss of principal. No strategy assures success or protects against loss.