I recently had a client of mine tell me how upset he was at his children for not calling him or wanting to spend time with him. “I pay thousands in child support every month and I don’t even get a phone call or a thank you” he said angrily.
“Your child support payments don’t buy you love” I responded. He was shocked at my reply. (I keep it real with my clients ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ It’s why they love me and come back for more). “So what you’re telling me is that it hurts you that your children aren’t interested in speaking to you?” I asked. “Yes…. It hurts me a lot because I love them so much” he said as his voice cracked and tears fell down his face.
Here’s the thing: our responsibility as a parent is part of being a parent – it is not proof of love in a child’s eyes. In a child’s eyes, they feel love from your full presence, affection, words of encouragement, and interaction. You cannot expect gratitude from your kids just because you pay the bills.
“But I can’t see my child because the other parent does not allow it” is an excuse. A sorry excuse. Hate me if you want, but the truth is that where there’s a will, there’s a way. “But my ex is the devil” you say. Let me remind you that it was YOU who had a child with that devil so it’s time to do what you have to in order to see your children.
Look, if my ex ever tried keeping my son away from me, I would’ve called the police, involve lawyers, or done whatever needed to implement a secure custody agreement. IF my ex had moved away to the middle of nowhere and took my son with him, I would’ve moved to the middle of nowhere too. IF my ex had spoken awful things about me to my son so that my son didn’t want to talk to me, you best believe I’d STILL be texting my son, sending him letters, calling him even if he ignored my calls, and training carrier pigeons if I had to.
I’d be this persistent because my love for my son is too strong to have anything stop me from being with him. Sooooo, say what you will, but all of your reasons as to why you are not seeing your child are truly excuses. If you wanted to make it happen you would. Even If it means waiting outside of their school just to speak to them, calling them continuously with no response, or doing whatever you must to show your child through ACTIONS that you love them.
Saying that you won’t see your kids because they are hard to reach does not mean they don’t want to see you. Put yourself in their position instead of yours. Chances are, your ex is talking shit about you, they are being fed lies and by quitting on seeing them when they don’t respond the way you want them to, just confirms their other parents shit-talk.
Love and respect isn’t something you buy or negotiate – it’s something you earn. It’s earned by being present for your child, truly engaging with them and being interested in what’s happening in their life. It’s about understanding their confusion around the divorce or separation. It’s about constantly pouring love and forgiveness into your children AND EVEN into your ex if needed. It’s earned by consistently making your child feel like they are what’s most important – even more important than all the resentment you may be feeling towards your ex. This is called UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, and If you love unconditionally through action, your child will want to call you, spend time with you and will even begin to question the nonsense their other parent might be saying about you.
Your child wants time with you! If you’re not doing everything in your power to create this, you’re not being the best parent you can be.
So what can we do to make sure we keep a bond with our child even if they live away from us?
Schedule Regular Visits
Commit to regular, quality time with your kids where the focus is on building a strong, genuine relationship. This could be a weekly date where each child gets to choose an activity, it’s about the connection, not the context. Use this time to listen, share, and engage deeply with their thoughts and feelings, showing that you value them beyond any material or financial contribution. This investment of time and emotional presence will nurture a bond built on mutual respect and authentic interaction, steering clear of any transactional dynamics.
It will also teach them an example of love that they will expect later in life: authentic, non transactional, healthy AND UNCONDITIONAL.
Which goes into my next point…
Pursue them
Let’s shift the focus from expecting gratitude to fostering genuine relationships. Because at the end of the day, it’s not about what you provide; it’s about how you connect.
To us adults, “time is money”, and when we are providing financially we feel that we are putting time into our children. Logically, this makes sense, but children are not thinking about their parents from a logical perspective. They want to be pursued, to be loved unconditionally and that is always shown by their parents. This message is specifically directed towards fathers, because statistically, it is fathers who are more likely to not have custody of their children.
If this is the case then pursue their heart the way you wish somebody would pursue yours! Unconditionally, obsessively, continuously, put your heart on the line and take the B.S. that comes with your ex. Do this because your child will feel it deeply in their heart someday…maybe as an adult, but it will permanently affect their relationships as they get older. They will forever know they are worthy of unconditional love.
So, my friends, it is painful to love unconditionally, but it is what is best for you, your child, and your child’s future. This path will not be easy, but it will be worth the effort. If you truly put your all into pursuing your child, they will see it someday. What matters most is that they feel pursued by you, and that you do the best you can at chasing their hearts. Love them unconditionally and I promise you, it will change your relationship forever.
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